Artemis Fowl: On Call
by Isuit
Summary: Artemis Fowl is not the type of boy you would consider a babysitter, not at all... (FIXED)
1. Chp 1: Arty On Call

**Artemis Fowl: On Call**

**Chp. 1: Arty On Call **

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?**

"Arty, Arty where are you?"

Artemis sighed and slowly descended down the spiraling staircase. "Here mother!" he called back and grimaced as Angeline Fowl ran up and pulled him into a tight hug. Finally his mother stepped back, but still kept hold of his hands.

"Why are your hands so cold?" she asked, squeezing his fingers in a vain attempt to warm them. Artemis resisted the urge to snatch them away.

"Simply shifting through the icebox," he lied as Angeline raised an inquiring eyebrow. Artemis took the opportunity to pull his fingers away and stuff them into the pockets of his Armani.

Angeline sighed, turned, and beckoned for her son to follow. "I was so hoping you could do me a favor," she asked easily as they walked down a softly-lit hall. "As you know, Mrs. Peters and I are going out for a little while. We're going to have brunch at the Le Margarett Tea Shop."

Artemis nodded, his mind not at all on where his mother would be filling her stomach.

"And since Mrs. Peter's has three small children, she needs a babysitter." Angeline paused and turned around, biting her lower lip. "I volunteered you Arty dear."

Artemis stiffened. "You did what?"

Angeline shifted her weight and crossed her arms. "Oh Artemis, it's only for a day. Besides, you're thirteen, very capable of being a…"

"I am _not_ a babysitter," Artemis snapped, sharp blue eyes flashing. "I resent small children, and the notion of me even attempting to change a child sends a mental image to my mind which I'm sure will never fade."

"Arty," Angeline gasped, "you're so snappy today!"

Artemis eyed her coldly. Perhaps it was because he was working on creating an enhanced version of snow which could form itself into beautiful crystals. Fake, but beautiful. An invention which would bring profit from the idiotic dealers of the world, leaving no time to watch three babbling monsters. Aloud Artemis said, "I don't mean to be snappy mother, but you know I don't like children."

Angeline tutted and wagged her finger. "You should darling, one day you're going to have your own."

Artemis resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I'm sorry mother, but I can't watch them." He allowed himself to shrug slightly.

Angeline, on the other hand, uncrossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "Oh no Artemis, _I'm_ sorry. The arrangements have already been made. The children should be here shortly." Angeline offered a sweet smile before turning and walking around the corner, the clicking of her heels slowly fading. Artemis was left to furiously think up a solution to this…dire situation.


	2. Chp 2: Fend for Yourself

**Chp. 2:**

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?**

'I don't have time for this,' Artemis thought as he strode back into the living room. 'I'll simply get Butler or Juliet to watch the children. Ah, there's Juliet now.' Artemis quickly stepped up to the staircase banister where the young Butler sat fingering some sort of infamous Butler weaponry. This one appeared to be a mini bomb in a bouncy ball.

"Oh, hi Artemis!" Juliet smiled as she finally looked up and caught sight of her older brother's charge.

Artemis nodded his head in greeting. "I was wondering Juliet," he began, but stopped as Juliet started chuckling.

"Mum broke the news to ya?" she giggled as Artemis frowned. "I have strict orders, from Mrs. Fowl, not to assist you in anyway with the kids unless you're in a life or death situation."

Artemis began to tap his long, key-board expertise fingers on the banister. "I presume Butler was given the same order?" Artemis finally asked, looking up.

"I'm afraid so," a low voice answered behind him. Artemis turned to meet Butler's dark gaze.

"This is going to cause a sharp delay in my plans," Artemis growled.

Juliet hopped off from the banister and cocked her head. "It's only for a…"

Butler shot Juliet a warning look over Artemis's head. When the young Fowl was in one of his moods, it was definitely not a wise idea to try and contradict him.

"I was going to finish my crystals, and perhaps work some more on the C Cube. In a few months it should be finished, that is," Artemis scowled, "if I ever get the time to complete it."

Suddenly the tuneless ring of the doorbell sounded throughout the mansion. Artemis began to rub his temple with his fingers. "I already feel a headache coming on."

Juliet smiled her encouragement before leaving to open the door.

"Artemis, you'll be fine," Butler put a hand on his young master's shoulder as shouts were heard from the main room.

Artemis narrowed his eyes. "For the children's sake let's hope so." He straightened his coat, checked his cuffs, and then set off in search of the three little terrors.


	3. Chp 3: The Three Terrors

**Chp. 3:**

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?**

"Oh Angeline, it's been too long. My, how many years have passed by? Two, three?"

"I'm afraid quiet some time. I wasn't myself those years…with my husband missing…but now that he's safe and sound and recovering in the hospital. I'm going to make up for lost time!"

Artemis followed the voices to the main room.

"Ah, there he is…my little Arty!" Angeline turned from her guest and beamed.

"Is that Artemis Junior?" Artemis stiffened. He hated being referred to as junior. It sounded…childish, lacking position. "Oh my goodness, how you have grown child!" Again Artemis gritted his teeth, but he kept his cool composure.

Quickly he walked forward and nodded curtly, trying to ignore the way Virginia's beady eyes stared at him like a frog's. It was time to show this sack of potatoes how childish the second Fowl really was. "Always a pleasure to see you again Mrs. Peter's. It's been quiet some time has it not? I hear you've remarried, how is that coming along?" Artemis flashed her his trademark vampire smile while he waited for Virginia's answer.

"Oh..um…yes, very well thank you. I…see that you've become a very smart….young man," the woman stuttered, dropping her gaze from Artemis and trying to get the image of that smile out of her head.

"Mrs. Peter's," Artemis said politely. "I've always been very smart." There was a small pause. Finally Angeline broke the tension.

"Virginia dear, where have the children gone to?" she asked, glancing over at Artemis and frowning. "I'm sure Arty can't wait to meet them." Artemis considered correcting her, but just as he opened his mouth the front door was thrown open.

"Mommy! I can't find my comb!" Artemis blinked in horror. For a second it seemed as if there were two Virginia's, but no…this was Mrs. Peter's daughter…obviously. The girl continued to screech and whine, until Virginia finally clapped a hand over her unruly daughter's mouth.

"That is quiet enough Sugar!"

"But Mommyyyyy…"

Again the front door swung open, and in strode a lanky boy with a mop of sandy colored hair and a paintjob of freckles. He wore an inside-out t-shirt, and was followed by a flushed blob. As they got closer, Artemis was able to see that the "blob" was actually another identical offspring of Virginia's. Tiny limbs and an even smaller head protruded from the massive body. The young boy took one look at the icy Artemis, and scurried behind his mother.

"Now Salt!" Virginia tried to twist around to lecture her son, but Sugar was still in the way. "Oh my goodness…!" The three pudges stumbled back, and Mrs. Peters came very close to tripping over an upturned corner of the giant Persian rug. Artemis was not amused. He watched as Angeline gasped and grabbed Virginia's hand before she could fall over backwards…and if Virginia fell over backwards then there was no getting her back up. Finally everything settled, and Mrs. Peter's took a few moments to catch her breath.

Still standing by the front door, the lanky boy gave an exaggerated sigh. "I'm bored!" he announced.

Mrs. Peters straightened and glared. "Pepper, why didn't you come help your mother, I almost fell!"

The side of Artemis's mouth quirked. Virginia named all three of her children a flavoring for food. Perfect really, considering how obvious it was that Virginia's favorite time of the day must be mealtime.

"Um," Angeline brushed her hair back behind her ears nervously. "We best be heading off soon, don't you think Virginia? Perhaps you should tell Arty all he needs to know…"

"Yes, of course." Virginia straightened and patted her curly mass of sandy hair. "Well…um…Artemis, this is Salt, Sugar, and Pepper. Say hello children." The three children stared at the

expressionless Artemis. Virginia wrung her hands nervously. "Let's see, there's really not much. Oh yes, Sugar does _not _like to get dirty…"

"Cause I'm beautiful!" Sugar tried to put on an angelic face, but it looked to be more on the demonic side. "Mommy says I'm gonna' be a star!"

Artemis's eyebrows notched up an inch. "Oh yes, you'll be a star…in the circus."

"Really?" gasped Sugar excitedly. Artemis rolled his eyes to the ceiling and prayed for patience, not that he believed in a higher being. Perhaps a fairy would come instead, and grant a poor Mud Boy a wish. Artemis almost chuckled, but Mrs. Peters opened her monstrous mouth again.

"Salt here…he gets scared very easily. Don't leave him alone, don't turn off the lights, don't make scary faces, don't tell scary stories, don't let him see any scary movies, keep him away from anything with scary pictures… even if it doesn't scare you." Artemis took a closer look at the boy sucking his thumb and staring with wide eyes. Mentally Artemis smiled. He was going to have fun with this one.

"And last but not least, Pepper. He gets bored very easily, so keep a constant eye on him. He'll get into all sorts of things if you don't." Mrs. Peters finished and looked at Angeline for direction.

Mrs. Fowl cleared her throat, and led Virginia to the door. She looked back over her shoulder at Artemis. "Love you darling, and do…be nice." She sent him the look only mother's can make, and then she walked out the door.

Slowly, Artemis clenched his hands into fists and turned to the poor children.


	4. Chp 4: The Three Terrors Terrorize

Thanxs to reviewers! You guys are soooo appreciated!

**Chp. 4:**

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?**

"I have a 62 in. plasma screen down the hall into the room on your right," Artemis brushed past the children and began walking out of the room. "I'm sure you'll find something playing which will catch your points of interest. Now then, I have work to do so please don't bother me." Artemis almost made it out the room.

"I don't wanna watch anything. That's boring!" Pepper protested and stomped his foot.

Artemis turned around slowly. "Then what are you going to do?"

Pepper shrugged. Sugar, on the other hand, beamed. "Let's play house!"

"No." Artemis brushed invisible dust from his shoulders. "I will not play…house."

Sugar crossed her arms and pouted. She resembled a snorting pig. "I wanna' play house!" she screeched.

Artemis continued brushing, but looked up. "I wonder how long it will take for you to rupture a nerve. A spoiled child like you, constantly screaming, has an average of seven years before you seriously damage either your lungs, vocals, or nerves."

Pepper cocked his head. "Why do you use such big words?"

Artemis was about to snap something in answer, but a slight pull on his Armani made him jerk back. Beside him stood the frightened Salt. "I'm hungry," he whimpered softly, and stared up at Artemis with pools of soft brown.

Artemis snorted. "Of course you're hungry. I'm sure you don't have any metabolism judging by your…appearance." Salt continued staring at him. "Oh all right!" Artemis finally relented. "Come with me."

He managed to lead the kids down the hall and into the sleek silver kitchen, where Butler was getting a drink.

"Hello," he growled softly at the children, and watched as Artemis walked to the fridge and jerked it open.

"Pay attention," the young Fowl ordered. "You can have either caviar, augratin potatoes…"

"Do you have PB&J?" Salt interrupted.

Artemis's eyebrow inched up a notch. "There is no such word as…"

"Ya huh! Peanut, butter and jelly sandwich dumb dumb!" Pepper shouted.

Artemis's eye twitched. "Dumb dumb? You're calling me dumb?"

Pepper shrugged. "Yeah I guess, unless you're smart…"

"I am _very_ smart," Artemis said quickly, "much smarter than you."

"Are you really smart?" Pepper asked in awe.

"Yes." Artemis turned back to the fridge.

"Really, really smart?"

"_Yes_."

"Really, really, really smart?"

"_Yes!"_

"Really, really, really, really…."

Artemis whirled back around, and Butler took a step forward. A large, seemingly unhappy vein was popping out from Artemis's forehead. As Butler considered whether this was what Mrs. Fowl meant as a life or death situation, Artemis pointed out of the kitchen.

"Get out now! If you continue to be uncooperative I have many means of punishing you. Many."

Salt's eyes got watery. "But I'm hungry, and I don't want to go out there! The hallway is scary!"

"Artemis," Sugar whined. "Artemis my hair feels like it's coming loose from the curls. Is it Artemis, is it, huh, is it?"

Artemis closed his eyes and began to rub his temple. Butler quickly moved by his employee's side.

"Perhaps Artemis," he said leaning down, "they would like to watch the plasma?"

"Already tried that," Artemis looked up, "and I thought you weren't supposed to help me unless I'm in a life or death situation."

Butler straightened. "Not you Artemis, but I think the kids will soon be."

"Artemis!" Sugar continued to holler.

"I'm bored!" Pepper began to chant.

"I'm hungry…I want mama!" Salt whimpered.

"I need to meditate," Artemis groaned. Butler stepped back. His young charge had taken on everything from fairies to Russian kidnappers, yet he couldn't control three small children. It would be hilarious if Artemis didn't look agitated enough to think up something devious.

Finally Artemis took his usual stance, cold, calm, and as always, in control. "Enough!" his voice raised slightly. Immediately the children stopped fussing. Artemis smiled viciously. "Good. Now then, since you three seem to be screaming brutes, I want you to go into a room and _stay_ there. Find a way to keep yourselves amused until our mothers return. If you choice to ignore my instructions…" Artemis paused, then narrowed his eyes, "If you choose to ignore my instructions than I shall send Mulch after you."

Butler stiffened, while the children glanced at one another.

"Who's Mulch?" Sugar asked, pretending to fluff her hair.

Artemis glanced at Butler. "Mulch is an…acquaintance of mine. He is small, but not harmless. He has hair like titanium wire…"

"What's that?" Pepper asked loudly, cocking his head.

Artemis sighed. "He has hair like sharp needles poking from his chin, and a gigantic jaw which he can unhinge and use to eat…."

"_Stop!_" Salt wailed. "Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Salt covered his eyes with his hands and trembled uncontrollably.

Artemis's mouth quirked. "Are you scared?"

Salt dropped his hands, looked up, and stared for a moment at the vampiric Artemis. "N…no," he finally stuttered. "I'm not scared."

Artemis finally allowed himself to grin. "Liar. Your skin is flushed, your pupils are dilated, your nostrils have flared, and…" Artemis pointed at Salt's hands. "You're twiddling your thumbs."

Salt quickly hid his hands behind his back and stuck out his lower lip. "I don't like you," he whispered angrily.

Artemis only smiled.

Pepper and Sugar glanced at one another than looked at Artemis. "Finish telling us!" Sugar demanded. Artemis looked back at them while Butler suppressed a groan.

"Finish telling you about what?"

Pepper stomped his foot. "You know…Mulch!"

"Yeah," Sugar nodded her head vigorously, no longer worried about her curls. "Keep telling about Mulch…"


	5. Chp 5: Just A Story

**Chp. 5**

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?**

"So let me get this straight," Pepper wrinkled his nose and scratched at his head. "Mulch is a dwarf that's dumb and smart at the same time, but he'll eat us if we're bad. There are fairies living underneath us, and they're cannobiz…"

"Cannibalistic," Artemis corrected, actually amused. "And there's a horse who collects brains and eats them to become smarter, along with a moody fairy who sucks blood…which is why his face is always red." Pepper looked up at Artemis with a frown. Next to him Sugar and Salt stared with wide eyes.

"And…and if we don't listen to you Artemis, you'll call them after us?" Sugar whispered horrified. Before Artemis could nod, Salt shot up from his kitchen stool and grabbed Artemis by the waist.

"Don't do it Artemis! I'll be good, I'll be good! Don't let them get me! I'm a good boy, I won't eat no more sweets before bedtime, and I'll run everyday, and I'll go to the bathroom by myself, and I won't pick my nose in public, and…"

"Let go of me!" Artemis snarled and jerked away. He quickly composed himself again and sighed. "I won't send them after you so long as you do everything I say, understood?"

The three children quickly nodded their heads in unison, and beside Artemis Butler was struggling to keep a straight face.

"Good," Artemis motioned to the refrigerator. "Still hungry?" he asked, but Salt shook his head frantically.

"Nope. Not hungry. Not even a little bit. Not even a tinny-weenie bit. I'm not scared either. I'm brave, so you don't have to call the…."

"Pepper!" Sugar hollered. "Come back!"

Artemis and Butler turned to see Pepper run out of the kitchen. His voice echoed back to them, "I'm bored!"

The vein on Artemis's forehead returned. "I'm calling Mulch after you!" he threatened as he strode out of the kitchen. The others followed him up the stairs and to the large office filled with humming computers. Swiveling on one of the chairs was the grinning Pepper.

"Mulch is gonna' have to catch me first! Besides, I'm bored. That was just a story you told to scare us, right Artemis?"

Butler watched as his young employee opened his mouth, and then shut it. "Yes," Artemis gritted his teeth. "It was just a story. There's no such thing as cannibalistic or moody fairies, brain-consuming horses, or…Mulch."

Sugar crossed her arms. "Just for that you have to brush my hair one hundred strokes Artemis. All that story-telling ruined my hair!" She threw her head and stuck out her triple chin.

"I'm telling mama on you! I'm telling you scared me! I'm telling you didn't feed me! I don't like you!" Salt whimpered, eyes becoming watery.

Pepper was still swiveling on the chair, all the while banging on the computer keyboard. "Why isn't your dingy computer turning on?"

Artemis paused from massaging his temple and looked over. "It's secured with a code you will never be able to break. Please stop banging on my keyboard, or I shall have to inform your mother that you were trying to destroy Fowl property…"

_Ding-ling_! The computer gently whirred to life and Pepper snickered. "Secured code huh?"

Artemis frowned heavily. "How did you do that?"

Pepper shrugged. "I dunno…I just was banging on the computer. You got any games on here…ohhhh! You've got mail!" Artemis frowned and walked over to Pepper. The computer was secured, it wasn't supposed to be able to receive mail. He watched as a slow scroll of letters began to file down the screen:

Olleh simetrA eht dnoces,

T'nod rehtob gnicart siht liam-e, ll'uoy ylno etsaw emit. Kcit-kcot, kcit-kcot. Eht kcolc si gnikcit gnuoy retsam lwoF. I evah gnihtemos uoy mees ot dloh ni hgih drager. Dlog? Ha, sey dlog. Lufituaeb, gnirettilg dlog yb eht dnoup. S'ti sruoy rof a llams ecirp rM. lwoF, tsuj a llams eno. Teem em ta s'atigroeG rewolF etuis…erehw eht srewolf era hserf! Ereht I llahs laever ym ytitnedi dna eht dlog…fi uoy tpecca ym egnellahc.

Atat,

Mentally, Artemis flipped the letters:

Hello Artemis the second,

Don't bother tracing this e-mail, you'll only waste time. Tick-tock, tick-tock. The clock is ticking young Master Fowl. I have something you seem to hold in high regard. Gold? Ah, yes gold. Beautiful, glittering gold by the pound. It's yours for a small price Mr. Fowl, just a small one. Meet me at Georgita's Flower Suite…where the flowers are fresh! There I shall reveal my identity and the gold…if you accept my challenge.

Slowly Artemis straightened. "Butler, ready the limo."

Butler looked up, startled. "But Artemis…you don't have any idea who this person is! Remember, curiosity killed the cat!"

Artemis narrowed his eyes. "But imperturbable knowledge brought him back. Yes Butler, I do have an idea. By this person's writing style I can see they have an odd and most likely dangerous sense of humor. Now, if you will please ready the limo then I will inform Juliet where we're going. I simply want to see who this…anonymous writer is. We shall take the children; they can wait in the back of the limo."

"A limo!" Sugar squealed excitedly, "I love limos! When I'm famous I'm gonna have ten!"

Pepper jumped up from the chair. "Do you have a TV in the limo? I've always wanted to watch TV in a car…that's not boring!"

"Do you have an icebox in your limo?" Salt asked rubbing his stomach. Artemis resumed rubbing his temple as he walked out of the room, leaving Butler alone as the three children jumped up and down around him.


	6. Chp 6: The Meeting

**Chp: 6**

**Disclaimer: Nope. I don't own Artemis Fowl...Eoin Colfer does. I do own Salt, Pepper, Sugar, and Mrs. Peters. Hey Eoin, wanna trade?**

"Oh yeah! Leather baby!" Pepper bounced up and down on the seat, slapping his hands on the ceiling. Beside him Sugar was looking out the window, her nose pressed up against the glass and making her look like a pig. On the other side of Pepper, Salt desperately searched for the icebox.

Butler sighed and drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "Please stop bouncing back there," he twisted around to look back at the terrors. "Miss. Sugar, please peel your face away from the window. I would rather not have to clean your mucus. Master Salt, the icebox is up here…you're not going to find it on the floor."

Pepper stopped bouncing and leaned forward in his seat. "Ya got a good boombox?"

Butler turned back around and wished Artemis would hurry. "Surround system with dual speakers."

"Awesome!" Pepper screamed. Butler grimaced.

"I'm hungry!" Salt wailed and kicked Butler's seat.

"There's nothing in the icebox but still water." Another kick. Butler stopped drumming.

"I'm hungry!" Salt shouted, and his stomach gave an answering growl.

Pepper rolled his eyes. "What's the difference between water and still water…it's just water!"

Sugar squealed angrily and jabbed a finger at Pepper. "It is not the same! Only rich and fashionable people like me drink still water!"

"Butler! Sugar's poking me!" Pepper whined and jabbed Butler from behind in the shoulder. "She's poking me like that, tell her to stop!"

"_I'm hungry!"_ Salt began to repeatedly kick Butler's seat. The manservant sat straight and tall, unblinking. Poke, poke, poke. Kick, kick, kick.

"Butler!"

"Say you're sorry for insulting rich people!"

"I'm being abused! You're trying to starve me! I want my mommy! I want the police!"

Suddenly the passenger door swung open and Artemis climbed in. He glanced at his bodyguard, and then twisted around. The children stilled and climbed back into their seats as Artemis's icy-edged glare fell upon them. Artemis treated them to a vampire smile before turning back around. "They're finally learning," he murmured before instructing Butler to Georgita's Flower Suite.

"Stay _here_," Artemis ordered. "You are to wait right here in the limo until I come back. Do you understand?" Salt raised his hand and Artemis slanted him an impatient glare. "What?"

"I'm hungry."

Artemis slammed the door closed and began walking towards the small pink shop. Butler activated the alarm before following his charge.

"I have a bad feeling about this Artemis."

Artemis raised his hand dismissively. "You have a bad feeling as soon as I wake up in the morning."

"The e-mail could be a lure," Butler pressed.

"I sincerely doubt it."

"My job is to keep you safe Artemis, and I'm letting you walk into a dangerous situation."

Artemis paused near the entrance of the shop, and turned to face his manservant. "Trust me Butler. Just trust me."

Butler sighed, knowing he had lost even before he had begun. He did the only thing he could by checking to make sure he had enough firepower hidden on him to wipe out the city, or in other words, to protect Artemis.

Artemis stepped inside the shop and Butler followed right behind. The fragrance of sweet roses hung in the air, but the scent wasn't what made Artemis suddenly stop. It was the lone man, sitting at the small Victorian table in the middle of the room. Besides him, the shop was empty. It wouldn't have mattered if there was a crowd anyway, he would have drawn Artemis's eye no matter what. He was dressed in some exotic outfit with strings and sequins and silk draped all over him. His skin was a deep brown, and his hair was black and tightly curled. There seemed to be a foreign air about him, and this was confirmed as soon as he opened his mouth.

"Ah, young Master Fowl! You made it…as I knew you would."


End file.
